I finally understand where i kept on going wrong…

All my life I’ve been your regular, look-up-into-his-steely-eyes-and-know-that-he’s-the-one kind of girl, only to discover.. through a friend’s behaviour, that in fact i’ve been going about it the wrong way… for 20 odd years. Shit.

I watch her go for the same type of man over and over again, same patterns of behaviour, same mock heartbreak, same lack of sense or regard for her professional reputation, same victim mentality crap after they zip their pants and walk out and same hours upon hours of listening to sad music and crying herself to sleep – “FOR FUCK SAKE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!” I want to scream at her whilst shaking her tiny shoulders. How can she not SEE that she is making such horrible choices? How can she have so little regard for herself and her health and safety? How can she switch off from being a single parent for THOSE decisions to be made…? Decisions that could affect her forever? How can she judge me for feeding my children CAPSICUM or using a 30 minute wash cycle?! SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK???

So… I was chatting to an old friend – he needed a cheer up, i reminded him that 12 years ago, i fell in love with his mind and * S L A P !!! It hit me like a tonne of bricks…. THIS is my problem… i keep on checking out hot guys and wondering why i don’t actually have any interest in dating them. I watch my friend shag countless ‘hot guys’ and be heartbroken afterward… THIS is the problem…. what happened to falling in love with someones intellect? Developing a relationship based on common interests or shared passion or common awe in something? Bonding over mastery, reading to each other, dancing to jazz, laying still and watching the birds play in the fading light, talking about the shadows on the ceiling or the shapes the clouds make…. pointing out stars? WHAT HAPPENED to the real things? Why must everything revolve around looks and status and income and happiness projected via iPhone onto social media? Of all of the guys i have loved, the only ones i truly miss are the ones whose minds i loved, who i shared a soul connection with. They were the deepest hurts, they were the saddest breakups, they were the heaviest losses. Not even ending my marriage left me that shattered.

Much better sex with those guys too…

I get it now. So do I explain it to my friend? Or let her work it out herself?


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