I finally understand where i kept on going wrong…

All my life I’ve been your regular, look-up-into-his-steely-eyes-and-know-that-he’s-the-one kind of girl, only to discover.. through a friend’s behaviour, that in fact i’ve been going about it the wrong way… for 20 odd years. Shit.

I watch her go for the same type of man over and over again, same patterns of behaviour, same mock heartbreak, same lack of sense or regard for her professional reputation, same victim mentality crap after they zip their pants and walk out and same hours upon hours of listening to sad music and crying herself to sleep – “FOR FUCK SAKE WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!” I want to scream at her whilst shaking her tiny shoulders. How can she not SEE that she is making such horrible choices? How can she have so little regard for herself and her health and safety? How can she switch off from being a single parent for THOSE decisions to be made…? Decisions that could affect her forever? How can she judge me for feeding my children CAPSICUM or using a 30 minute wash cycle?! SERIOUSLY? WHAT THE FUCK???

So… I was chatting to an old friend – he needed a cheer up, i reminded him that 12 years ago, i fell in love with his mind and * S L A P !!! It hit me like a tonne of bricks…. THIS is my problem… i keep on checking out hot guys and wondering why i don’t actually have any interest in dating them. I watch my friend shag countless ‘hot guys’ and be heartbroken afterward… THIS is the problem…. what happened to falling in love with someones intellect? Developing a relationship based on common interests or shared passion or common awe in something? Bonding over mastery, reading to each other, dancing to jazz, laying still and watching the birds play in the fading light, talking about the shadows on the ceiling or the shapes the clouds make…. pointing out stars? WHAT HAPPENED to the real things? Why must everything revolve around looks and status and income and happiness projected via iPhone onto social media? Of all of the guys i have loved, the only ones i truly miss are the ones whose minds i loved, who i shared a soul connection with. They were the deepest hurts, they were the saddest breakups, they were the heaviest losses. Not even ending my marriage left me that shattered.

Much better sex with those guys too…

I get it now. So do I explain it to my friend? Or let her work it out herself?


Why I don’t watch the news…

So it’s 4:24am and I have just dreamt that the Queen died. I felt sad… She’s the same age as my Grandmother & I feel like I’ve grown up with William & Harry… Princess Diana and Prince Charles even got married the same year my parents did… It got me thinking about the news.

My Physio asked me yesterday what my take was on the Lebanon Kidnapping. I had to ask him to fill me in, because I don’t watch the news. Now that I’ve mentioned it, being a single parent myself – well – they’ve all gone about it in a shitty way, but I’m with the Dad on this. You just don’t let your creep new boyfriend share a bed with your children. FFS. 

Anyway – most of my friends and family know that I haven’t watched the news for years. It’s depressing as all shit & I sort of wonder why so many people DO watch the news!! There have been a few published studies relating general human depression and frequent doom & gloom news watching, but I am unsure as to why more humans haven’t come to this realisation themselves?! 

Most of the news stories I remember from when I was young revolved around death, like when Princess Diana died, or Michael Hutchence or Geoff Buckley… Even the April Fools stories from the 90’s when I was in Primary School were scary: “A Cat bigger than a farmhouse is terrorising a country town..” – WHAT ARE THEY FEEDING US?? 

I remember being at home, randomly channel surfing on the 11th of September 2001 when those two planes hit the twin towers. All the coverage suddenly switched to the panic and mayhem of NYC and subsequently, the World almost instantly. I woke up my parents. We watched for hours. 

We are in Australia, so I know I tend to feel far away from these things, but that night, I sat there feeling like I was right there in the middle of it. I was crying and afraid; which of course was the aim of the game for those terrorists, and to this day – all of them. Panic. Worldwide fear and pandamonium. That is what they want. Well fuck that. They’re not getting it from me. I decided then, at the tender age of 18 not to watch the news & I haven’t. Not since then. 

Don’t get me wrong, I know about important current events… From friends, from FB, but fucked if I’m gonna spend my life living in fear  or regretting bringing children into this world, or feeling sad and depressed at the state of human kind and the environment. No, I’m not going to drag myself through an hour of that every night, or every morning, just to feel… What? Afraid of the Internet? Scared of people? Constantly shocked and upset by the sick, abusive freaks who live amongst us? 

No. Everyone has a choice, and mine is not to watch the news. 

I get my weather from a weather app, traffic from the map app or the radio if necessary, Bushfire warnings from my FireReady app, and sport… Well I can google that or see what my mates are ranting about on FB. I get updates of the War from my housemate on her deployment 😑 great. (I hope you are noting my sarcasm.)

I don’t believe it’s a fair (or useful) measure of intelligence to know how many women or children were abused on Naru because our Government is fucked or how many gun deaths there were today in America because their gun laws are ridiculous or even which anorexic celebrity got married (why do those stories make the news again?). What is the point of bogging down your otherwise happy life with negative shit BY CHOICE on a daily basis?

Call me ignorant as much as you like, however I would prefer to spend that hour of my life reading to my children, listening to their highlights of the day, the three of us talking about one thing each that we are proud of for the day, and cooking them a nutritional dinner.

I hope other humans are making this choice too, and I would love to hear your opinions.


**update… Have just logged into FB… Prince Died 😭 WHAT THE FUCK? Omg I am devastated. Case in point. RIP Prince – I hope there is Thunder all through the night… X